ash_the_crash

you tell me that you miss me, but you dont even know me. fuck you. dont talk to me, is that so difficult. apparently because you cant stop talking to me. the only thing that you can say about me is that you like to talk to me. why, i dont understand. you dont know the first about me, let alone that i am a perfectionist trying to fix it.

whoa. i just dont know anymore. what to feel. what to do. who to trust. and i hate falling. cause i fall fast and hard. and it always hurts. everytime.

....she doesnt know, she will never know. just touch it. touch it like you have touched my heart. i know how much you struggle with temptation. give in. just give in. you are so close. it turns me on. _______. you remember, my hopes fall. and you pull quickly away. but i cant truly be the one to blame for being an existential tease. fuck. you sit there [again] torn between morals and temptation [ie. me]  

mine own love, how to thee may i sing?
in splendor prithee allow me to express my deepest desire
thou needs't not the content that the mere earth may bring.
upon  my soul, my heart for thee is burning with a passionate fire.
Fie! fie! a secret would thou keeps't from me?
I collapse, writhing in pain knowing thou art not being true.
Faith. shall i share my pernicious rage, or shall i continue life with utter glee?
Belief in thee again overcomes me, and no longer can i be so blue.
If thy inconstant moon were to again smile, the key to my heart you would again hold.
Alack! oh! i am fortunes fool. On evening shade with loneliness, i can not fit into the mould.
while the sky grows dim and dimmer, mine heart grows dank and cruel.
and it shall dwell on moonlight glimmer with my solemn thoughts that soar to heaven
release my secrets that art sealed with thine. 

 disappointed in you. i was speechless for one of the very few times in my life. tbc

scared. i dont think you understand. i wear the mask. it hurts. to want something so bad, and yet, not know quite what you want. in this world you have got to look at the good, and not the bad, cause someones always there when youre feeling sad, but the bad heavily outweighs the good. so then how do you handle it? i guess the only way i can. one day at a time. but i dont think you understand, i am not as tough as i can seem. i miss him. i need to talk. its all coming at once [again]. i really dont handle death well. im falling. falling fast and  hard. crying. is not something that i do very often, but i dont think that you understand that either. i guess maybe, you just dont understand me. wishful thinking. thats all that i am. i want to quit. i have never quit, do you know that, never? quit everything. if i hadnt promised, i would. im sorry that i try to be 'perfect' and it doesnt work for me. i really just want you to understand the simple fact. i  get scared.

wow.today. thank you. it really just made my day. more like my week. it is so complicated. 

so bad i want to tell you, ask, and you would know. i, i am shy. you give me butterflies. weird. and yet, i like it.

he wants me. i dont know why. i want you, and cant tell you why.

 i just dont get it. we are going good, and then we are nonexistant. and with her of all people. shes not pretty or intellectual, or anything thing that i am, and yet, you go for her, maybe thats what you like. but shes nothing that i am. how do you go from me to her? its seriously like one shit hole thing after another. what have i done in life to deserve this. everything happens for a reason. well, i dont know this reason, and i dont think that i ever will, but it hurts. A LOT. help me. break me. seize me. kiss me. hold me. just love me. is that too much to ask? apparently it is. im not sorry, but i feel like i should apologize. eff.

miss me while im gone. i know you wont, but really, it's okay. cause im a stronger person than you give me credit for. just because youre one of two people who has seen me completely die inside and give up hope, doesnt mean that you still know me anymore. cause to be quite honest with you, i dont know how you can say you know someone else when you dont even know yourself. go have fun with her, cause it sure seems like you forgot about me... oh and just for the record, she doesnt care like i do.

 you say you want to change the world, but what have you done? Lie. thats it. you want everyone to take pity on you, but for what? we all know youre not going to change the world, cause if you were, you would have already started. i dont know who you are trying to convince, but it must be yourself, because you seem to be the only one in denial about your abilities. you lie. try and prove me wrong. you wont. you are so vain, and you see only what you want. you have big dreams, but they wont come true, not going down the road that youre traveling. take a step back every now and then, and look at the world for what it really is, hideous. you call it hope. wheres the hope in things undone and unseen? so just stop trying to convince yourself, because youre the only one who is still holding on to these false hopes.

that when people say 'life is like a roller coaster,' they are partially wrong. because life can actually be closer related to the whole amusement park. First you come into the park [ie. life] and after a while, you choose what ride to finally go on. You choose a spinning ride, and just like in life your first love/crush/relationship, it gets your head spinning in circles. You get off, and it takes awhile, but after the sickness wears off, you walk steady for a while, no longer needing others help to walk, deciding which ride you are now going to conquer. Then you choose to tackle a roller coaster. But after your last experience, you choose to start out small, staying on the ride for only a short amount of time, but having many ups and downs. You exit the ride and decide to take a break for a little, so you go to the food court, and rest. You then decide that you want to go on another ride, choosing now, a much larger roller coaster, and this ride lasts a long time. But when times are up, they are extremely euphoric, but when times are down, you fall fast and hard, hurting terribly. There are many sharp turns and loops.

the truth may hurt for an instant, while a lie will indefinately wound the heart for an eternity. 

Q: why do the ones that are supposed to love you the most lie to you? 
A: "love, death, and lies come to us all" (-Mary Agnes) and if not, then we are completely unhuman.